Today I wanted to talk about PostPartum Depression and the hold it has on women. I would of never thought that I would suffer from it. I was ashamed, scared, disappointed and embarrassed. I felt like the worst mother in the world, Like how could this be happening to me. I was so ashamed that I suffered in silence and alone for several months. I tried to be super mom and do everything on my own, In my mind that is how I would defeat Depression. I blamed GOD, I would cry out to him “Why are you allowing this to happen to me.” I would cry when no-one was around, I would have to self talk myself though the day. I told no-one. I feel that women suffer from PostPartum for the same reasons I listed above. We do not want to be judged and told “Oh you can’t handle motherhood.” We all need a support system from people that will encourage us rather than judge us.
My first pregnancy was a breeze as well as the first year of my sons life.I was completely normal, happy and excited about our future. When I found out I was pregnant with my second son, life was great we were so happy. Towards the end of my first trimester something just was not right with me, so much was going through my mind. My mood was different, I was suffering from intrusive thoughts and controlling my thought process. I would bust out in tears, I was never happy, I would pretty much fake the funk. I hid behind the hurt and smiled for everyone. Ladies remember you do not have to suffer alone. Find a support group, I found one on Baby Center. Finally a group of ladies going through the same thing I was. At last I was no longer alone.
After months of suffering alone, I finally broke down and told my mom. I ugly cried, and told her what I was going through. The weight of this secret I was carrying literally fell and shattered to the floor. It felt good to finally speak with someone about what I had been going through. My mom encouraged me the best way she knew how, I really needed to hear her. My mom is my best friend besides my husband. She did not judge me oh tell me to get over it. She spoke to me and told me to seek GOD, she told me that she was proud of me. My mom told me I was an awesome mother and things would get better, she also encouraged me to tell me husband about it. That night when my husband came home, again I burst into tears explaining to him the hell the last few months has been for me . He initially did not understand, but soon he just loved on me and embraced me. FINALLY I was no longer alone, I had a support system.
I read a book by Joyce Meyers called Battlefield of the mind- Winning the Battle in your mind. A bought two other books that I am still reading called- The mindfulness Workbook for OCD and Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts. I will update you all after I finish those books. I also consulted by OB, he was extremely helping. He asked me if we could talk about GOD ,of course I said yes. He referred me to GOD as well and to therapist who I could speak with. As of now I feel a lot better but I am not fully myself yet. My next step will be to speak with a therapist that specializes in what I am going though. I love my kids dearly, I want to be 100 percent for not only them but for myself.
So if this reaches anyone, do not suffer alone. Find a support group, I will be your support group. You are not over exaggerating, Depression is real and needs to be addressed. I found it helping to keep busy and found a hobby to keep me busy. Your mental help is IMPORTANT, don’t let anyone tell you “It’s just pregnancy hormones”. Please take care of yourself.
You are not alone- It’s ok to admit that you are scared. That means you are about to do something great. We are overcomes!!
Antepartum depression- Depression that occurs during pregnancy
Until next time…..
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